So there really isn’t too much to post here this week. Not too much to really say outside of the current choice of topics:
The Misadventures of T-Bear
Medicine changes
…and….
The feeling of inadequacy.
Let’s start with the comic. I am fully intended to put this little project to work. I’ve got the general idea of how I picture it. It’s the whole process of putting it to paper. Well. To pages? I guess? I draw on a tablet, so I suppose it would be to pages, not exactly paper. I’ve never drawn in chibi-style before, so the very fact I was able to put those two characters above into completion is still amazing to me. They actually turned out pretty good, I think. I do have a request for another, for a friend. I have yet to do that. As well as adjust the colours of the above and colour it properly. I haven’t decided if the comic will be in colour or not, actually. Part of me wants to simply to make it more entertaining. But it would be more time consuming. I need to practice expressions. And straighten out my canvas and doodles. I seem to always draw on an angle no matter what way I turn the canvas. I’m right handed, dominantly. I’m sure I’ll figure something out as I go along.
Watch me fall apart" is a random doodle of expression in imagery. The pain and anguish felt when one side loves too much and the other not enough. It makes saying "I love you" feel meaningless when everything you fear feels and seems like it’s happening. Jealousy, insecurity, hurt feelings, and inadequacy all creep in and make the world feel like a prison and your life line has their back to you. I often find myself caring too much, but simply because I’m afraid to lose what I have. What winds up happening is I suffocate what I have and lose it anyway, or I suddenly let go and run away because I’ve given up all hope. I become horribly jealous and possessive when I see the subject of my affection surrounded by something I view better then myself. Or a possible threat. Which is not a good thing, because most times, it will drive me to walk away without a word otherwise. I’m so insecure that I will suggest the subject of my affection to leave me for better, though in the back of my mind I’m hoping they will see through this and tell me they only want me. I feel hurt when hours to days go by without a word from someone special to me. I feel forgotten and alone. And I feel inadequate when I can’t make them feel better. When I can’t make them smile like they do to me. When everything else does that, but me. When one needs an outside influence to utter three words to me, I feel like I am an obligation. All these little things, I’ve attempted to put in the picture, but failed horribly. So I am, eventually, going to redraw this attempt with a little more detail.
Medicine changes. Apparently the prednisone and prograf are being blamed for my hair-loss, inability to eat, and night terrors. Among the countless other problems I have. Zinc isn’t really having too much of an effect on me, but I continue to take it anyway. I am potassium deficient, newest discovery made! So I apparently have an over active thyroid, iron anemic, and potassium deficient. Oh, and hyper sensitivity as well as lactose intolerant. I’m a all sorts of borked, I can’t possibly go down the list. At any rate. The medicine change was 20mg of prednisone, no more 40mg. And 2mg prograf twice daily, no more 3mg morning/2mg night. I still have the anxiety. So I still have to go to the psychiatry people for that. I don’t know about this therapist thing. It’s not really doing anything outside of giving me something do on designated days. If I want to talk to someone, I have friends. They may not have the -best- advice, but it’s often times the most fun. I’m having to take benadryl nightly now for both runny nose over some silly allergy I don’t know about and for sleep, because I don’t sleep very often.
I’ve noticed this trend. And it isn’t exactly a good trend, either. But I notice that the people I want talking to me, hardly do while the people I try to avoid will always find me the moment I want someone who isn’t paying attention to me. I’ve also noticed friends taking on the role of ‘boyfriend’ more often then usual. Females included, not to make it seem one sided when it isn’t. They talk to me, flirt with me, we tease each other and spend countless hours goofing off. Because, like me, we have nothing better to do other then spend it with each other playing games. I love my “Bear” still, he is the world to me. I wish I was to him, though.
It’s been a rough week, mostly because of myself. I have such deep set fears that it’s taking more then usual to shake them. I’m afraid that by the time I can break free from the cage built around me, that it’ll be too late.
I need to get out of this cycle my exhusband put me in. If it weren’t for him, I think I might have been relatively normal. Some what sane. And not the terri-bad insecure mess that I am.